I was having one of those days yesterday, you know the kind when you feel like your going to lose it any moment? Do men have those days? Anyway I was on edge and anxious with no apparent reason.
I had to take my youngest daughter to her new High School to meet her teachers and find her classes. How she went from being 4 years old to high school so fast is beyond me. It was hot, I only had an hour, we were in a long line of cars and worse than all we were making a left hand turn.
OK so I'm in my car with my daughter and I'm getting annoyed with the person at the front of the line who is not taking the MANY attempts they had to turn. I start grumbling out loud and I finally say to this person I don't know and can't hear me “don't make me blow this horn!”
At this pressure cooking moment my sweet daughter starts singing “I got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart” she looks at me with a big angelic smile and continues singing “WHERE? Down in my heart to stay!” (if you don't know this popular child song go to you tube and listen to it) I just started laughing and calmed down but then it hit me I did not have joy in my heart.
The second part of Nehemiah 8:10 tells us the joy of the Lord is our strength.
That is a powerful verse and I was living proof of it, on the opposite end I'm afraid. I was not walking in strength because my joy joy joy was apparently no where to be found.
When we have our joy we are able to handle the things life throws at us in a better emotional state. We walk in the understanding that God is in control and Jesus will lead our path. It's the place where we truly are anxious for nothing.
That is an attainable place but if you lose your joy you lose your place.
I did focus on what my daughter said but for some reason I could not seem to beat this feeling I was having. I almost felt numb inside.
Overwhelmed with all the things going on around me and all the prayer request I'm praying for and yet I felt numb.
The truth is the people I'm praying for have far more serious things than I do in my life right now. I felt like a wimp.
I got home from work and my grandson came in a few minutes later excited he had made the soccer team tryouts and would be on the team he hoped for. He's only 7 and has been working so hard all summer. I of course shared in his excitement and told him how proud I was but honestly gems I was responding right on the outside but the inside I was just kinda numb.
I didn't feel excitement or joy or love or anything! What the heck was wrong with me?
Before I went to bed I decided to water my plants on the porch and just call it a day.
I reached up to a hanging plant and as I started pouring the water into it a swarm of wasp attacked my hand. I got about 5 stings before I ran into the house.
The weird thing is although it hurt like a #@##@# it made me cry and that was exactly what I needed.
I went in my room and sat on the floor in the dark and just cried out to God with all the stings I was feeling not only in my hand but in my heart. And believe me I was feeling something now!
My oldest son Anthony, thinking I had gone to bed, came to my room to say goodnight. When he heard me crying he came into my room to see what was wrong.
I don't like to cry in front of my kids or people for that matter when I'm feeling really vulnerable.
I told him about the numbness and how I could not seem to find my joy. I shared how I felt like I wasn't doing the best kingdom work lately and in a nut shell felt like crap. To make matters worse I didn't feel like the Lord had much to say to me, other than the joy thing.
My wise son encouraged me with facts about our family and the seeds I had planted and then he said something very profound to me.
He claims I said it to him years ago so it mush have been a Holy Spirit moment cause not only do I not remember but it was really good.
He said “mom you told me one time that the more time we spend with God and devote ourselves to becoming more like Jesus the less He has to talk to us.”
Follow me here not less time like He's busy but less time reminding us how to behave. He went on to say that when we are seeking the love of God we respond in ways that please Him.
Let's put it in a practical every day way. When your teaching your child, student, sibling or employee something new you have to tell them over and over how it's done. You have to remind them the proper response each time the situation comes up. As time goes by you have to tell them less and less as they figure out what to do.
The more we read the Bible and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom the more we get it and the less times He has to show us how to behave.
Anthony asked me if I fessed up to anything I did wrong and I said yes. He responded in his most sensitive way “then suck it up, get back on the horse and start riding again!”
He was right. The beautiful part about walking with the Lord is as soon as you repent and move on your done. You only camp out in the joyless zone if you choose to hang out there.
On a more difficult note he said he thought it was important for me to share with people when I'm vulnerable. I reminded him about Gena's Jewels and how many people I share my junk with. It is a humbling experience but if it helps one person I'm glad to do it.
Honestly Gems, I feel bad sharing because I feel like my lack of trust at the time is dissing God. My son reminded me that people need to know that we all feel that way at times.
So here I am AGAIN confessing to you that I lost my joy cause I lost my trust.
The good news is after a good cry, a great talk including a much needed hug and an awesome prayer time I woke up the next morning and what do you think I found?
You guessed it.
I got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart! Where?? Down in my heart to stay :)
None of the circumstances in my life nor in the lives of the ones I'm praying for have changed. It's never about our circumstances it's about our mind set.
I feel so much better today so I'm sending this out to you my Gems to encourage you. If you lost your peace look for your joy, chances are you'll find your strength too!
Gena's Jewels Keeper of The Testimony available on Amazon
Friday, August 20, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Smudge Proof
I was at work sitting behind my desk when a customer came in to make a payment on his account. The first thing I did was put on my glasses cause I can't see without them. When I looked up at the customer I could only see him clearly with one eye. I had a huge fingerprint smudge on my right lens so he was kind of foggy.
As he was talking my mind started to wander and I'm thinking, I wonder if he can see this huge smudge on my lens. I'm trying not to laugh out loud as I'm picturing what I must look like. In spite of his odd look I continued to act like the professional woman I am :)
As always it got me thinking about our lives.
At times we are walking and talking like we got it all together but there's a big smudge in us. We know it's there because it's affecting the way we handle our life and we don't think others notice. The truth is if we can see it chances are they can too.
If my glasses are usually clean when I'm talking to you and now they have a big fingerprint on it your going to notice.
Taking it to a spiritual level, if I usually act one way and now I'm acting different, something must have smudged me.
I will humbly give you an example.
It's 5:42 am. And I have been up for hours trying to make sense of my recent smudge.
Here's the scenario. I am part of a large church that believes in and utilizes small home groups. This has always been a passion of mine so I have been a leader of a group for some time. I have a coach and I'm part of a small group of leaders.
OK shift gears with me for a minute. I'm going to write this in stages of smudges so you can enter the scary place called my mind (do this at your own risk) and follow my train of thought.
Smudge 1: I need to give a recap for my newer Gems and a reminder for the rest.
As you know I have had a toxic relationship with my parents. There was a time in my life when I had to love them from a distance in order to allow healing in my life. Recently I have become their main caregiver which has required me to spend a lot of time with them.
Smudge 2: I have been under a lot of stress with all the decision making and responsibilities caring for my parents has created. My children have had life crisis which of course affects me. I started a new job so I'm dealing with all the training stuff. I have to move AGAIN and the thought of that process is another source of stress.
Smudge 3: (stay with me) because of my past I used to always feel ugly. My mother constantly reminded me I was in a gawky stage (whatever that means) and my father took care of any high self esteem issues I might have had.
After years of allowing Jesus to love me and falling in love with Him, He has made me feel beautiful on the inside and dare I say the outside too.
Gems that is a powerful statement I just made and it's not made out of conceit. I will stop there cause that's another jewel.
This is probably more for the ladies but you know when you have ugly days. You just don't feel like you look good so you either add a little more makeup or go the other way and stay in sweat pants for the day. Having ugly days is not unusual but having them more and more often is.
I even said something to my daughter that I felt like every time I looked in the mirror lately I looked ugly. At first I thought it was because I'm turning 50 soon. I figured it must be bothering me more than I realized but I was wrong.
OK back to the small group point. My coach had been emailing me to set up a time for us to get together to follow up on my small group. She also wanted to talk about some of the upcoming meetings.
Smudge 4: I kept putting it off because I was feeling overwhelmed. And did I mention I have been feeling ugly.
I had this smudge growing on me and I'm sure by now someone has to notice.
Smudge 5: My coach was persistent and the more she tried to reach me the more aggravated I was getting with her. I felt like I couldn't commit to one more thing! Our emails began to get a bit more challenging, the smudge was getting bigger. Didn't she know I was stressed? Did I not tell her I could not add anything else to my plate?
Had I actually talked to her she would have. I was letting the enemy translate our conversations for us.
I decided to resign as a group leader which was a sad decision for me. I love the ladies in my group and I love the time we spend together but I knew I needed to step down for a season.
My coach still wanted to meet with me. WHY?????????????
She was persistent and it paid off because I finally made the appointment.
I went into the meeting exhausted and wounded from battle and just wanted to get it over with. I was ready to admit defeat, there I said it. Not out loud of course but it was looming in my head. I knew my coach expected something of me and I couldn't provide the goods. I failed at something I thought I was good at.
This of course was the lie I was hearing from the devil.
I walked into the meeting room expecting to come face to face with this monster I had created in my mind. What I found was a confused woman that I had convicted and her crime was trying to help me.
What was happening here? How did this smudge get so big that I didn't even know I wasn't seeing clearly.
Hence the 2 am. Counseling with the Lord.
I'm going to give you the inside scoop here on what the Lord revealed to me.
The amount of time I have been spending with my toxic father was beginning to take it's toll. His constant verbal abuse and daily doses of how worthless and stupid I am was making it's way through my armor. I will spare you the other hateful and harmful things that were said but I will tell you they brought me to tears on more than one occasion.
I had been drinking poison for months and it was changing how I saw myself.
When your sick you look sick. What I was seeing in the mirror was the reflection of satan's work not God's.
I didn't realize it at first, that's how the enemy does it. It's like cooking a lobster. They put it in a pot of cool water and it doesn't climb out. Then they put the flame on low and the water gradually gets hotter and hotter til they eventually boil it. (I have read this I have never cooked one) I was allowing myself to get boiled again. I needed an l exam/new glasses.
Smudge 6: Back to the coach scenario. Every time I got an email from her I felt more pressure. I didn't respond because I didn't wan to deal with more pressure.
I saw her emails as more poison instead of a life line.
I didn't want to face her because I didn't want to see the disappointment in her eyes when she looked at me. I was seeing enough of that from my father.
I was feeling ugly enough.
This is where I allowed the enemy to mess with me.
I was confusing my lenses and not seeing clearly.
When I walked in that room prepared for battle I found a woman who thought enough of me, in spite of the fact I was hurting her feelings, to still want to reach out to me.
The ironic thing is at that point I still didn't understand what was happening. I really didn't know why I was avoiding her, it didn't make any sense to me.
She was trying to get past the emails and phone calls so we could SEE each other face to face, clear glasses, and the truth is once I saw her face I recognized her for the woman she was not the one I made up.
That was the enemies concern, he knew once we were face to face the light would shine through and the truth would be revealed.
The Holy Spirit showed me this morning I had to put my pride aside. I had to allow my coach to see a very vulnerable side of me that I tend to guard pretty well.
If guarding your pride causes dissension in God's family you become the smudge and eventually the poison.
I honestly had no idea I was in that lobster pot. It all came together and made sense.
I understood that I allowed the enemy to use my weakness to manifest a huge smudge. My coach was an innocent victim in my smudged glasses.
So to my coach, sister and friend I say I'm sorry for the smudge and thank you for pulling me out of the pot.
Gems electronics are great for quick communication but they will never replace the gift of human companionship.
This was a great reminder for me and I pray it will be for you too.
Let's not get so busy that we can't turn off the burner. Take time to shut everything off and see each other face to face, to make sure our glasses are clean and if not allow our friends to help us clean them in love.
My advice for the day, clean your glasses before you become the smudge and end up in boiling water.
No one is smudge proof.
As he was talking my mind started to wander and I'm thinking, I wonder if he can see this huge smudge on my lens. I'm trying not to laugh out loud as I'm picturing what I must look like. In spite of his odd look I continued to act like the professional woman I am :)
As always it got me thinking about our lives.
At times we are walking and talking like we got it all together but there's a big smudge in us. We know it's there because it's affecting the way we handle our life and we don't think others notice. The truth is if we can see it chances are they can too.
If my glasses are usually clean when I'm talking to you and now they have a big fingerprint on it your going to notice.
Taking it to a spiritual level, if I usually act one way and now I'm acting different, something must have smudged me.
I will humbly give you an example.
It's 5:42 am. And I have been up for hours trying to make sense of my recent smudge.
Here's the scenario. I am part of a large church that believes in and utilizes small home groups. This has always been a passion of mine so I have been a leader of a group for some time. I have a coach and I'm part of a small group of leaders.
OK shift gears with me for a minute. I'm going to write this in stages of smudges so you can enter the scary place called my mind (do this at your own risk) and follow my train of thought.
Smudge 1: I need to give a recap for my newer Gems and a reminder for the rest.
As you know I have had a toxic relationship with my parents. There was a time in my life when I had to love them from a distance in order to allow healing in my life. Recently I have become their main caregiver which has required me to spend a lot of time with them.
Smudge 2: I have been under a lot of stress with all the decision making and responsibilities caring for my parents has created. My children have had life crisis which of course affects me. I started a new job so I'm dealing with all the training stuff. I have to move AGAIN and the thought of that process is another source of stress.
Smudge 3: (stay with me) because of my past I used to always feel ugly. My mother constantly reminded me I was in a gawky stage (whatever that means) and my father took care of any high self esteem issues I might have had.
After years of allowing Jesus to love me and falling in love with Him, He has made me feel beautiful on the inside and dare I say the outside too.
Gems that is a powerful statement I just made and it's not made out of conceit. I will stop there cause that's another jewel.
This is probably more for the ladies but you know when you have ugly days. You just don't feel like you look good so you either add a little more makeup or go the other way and stay in sweat pants for the day. Having ugly days is not unusual but having them more and more often is.
I even said something to my daughter that I felt like every time I looked in the mirror lately I looked ugly. At first I thought it was because I'm turning 50 soon. I figured it must be bothering me more than I realized but I was wrong.
OK back to the small group point. My coach had been emailing me to set up a time for us to get together to follow up on my small group. She also wanted to talk about some of the upcoming meetings.
Smudge 4: I kept putting it off because I was feeling overwhelmed. And did I mention I have been feeling ugly.
I had this smudge growing on me and I'm sure by now someone has to notice.
Smudge 5: My coach was persistent and the more she tried to reach me the more aggravated I was getting with her. I felt like I couldn't commit to one more thing! Our emails began to get a bit more challenging, the smudge was getting bigger. Didn't she know I was stressed? Did I not tell her I could not add anything else to my plate?
Had I actually talked to her she would have. I was letting the enemy translate our conversations for us.
I decided to resign as a group leader which was a sad decision for me. I love the ladies in my group and I love the time we spend together but I knew I needed to step down for a season.
My coach still wanted to meet with me. WHY?????????????
She was persistent and it paid off because I finally made the appointment.
I went into the meeting exhausted and wounded from battle and just wanted to get it over with. I was ready to admit defeat, there I said it. Not out loud of course but it was looming in my head. I knew my coach expected something of me and I couldn't provide the goods. I failed at something I thought I was good at.
This of course was the lie I was hearing from the devil.
I walked into the meeting room expecting to come face to face with this monster I had created in my mind. What I found was a confused woman that I had convicted and her crime was trying to help me.
What was happening here? How did this smudge get so big that I didn't even know I wasn't seeing clearly.
Hence the 2 am. Counseling with the Lord.
I'm going to give you the inside scoop here on what the Lord revealed to me.
The amount of time I have been spending with my toxic father was beginning to take it's toll. His constant verbal abuse and daily doses of how worthless and stupid I am was making it's way through my armor. I will spare you the other hateful and harmful things that were said but I will tell you they brought me to tears on more than one occasion.
I had been drinking poison for months and it was changing how I saw myself.
When your sick you look sick. What I was seeing in the mirror was the reflection of satan's work not God's.
I didn't realize it at first, that's how the enemy does it. It's like cooking a lobster. They put it in a pot of cool water and it doesn't climb out. Then they put the flame on low and the water gradually gets hotter and hotter til they eventually boil it. (I have read this I have never cooked one) I was allowing myself to get boiled again. I needed an l exam/new glasses.
Smudge 6: Back to the coach scenario. Every time I got an email from her I felt more pressure. I didn't respond because I didn't wan to deal with more pressure.
I saw her emails as more poison instead of a life line.
I didn't want to face her because I didn't want to see the disappointment in her eyes when she looked at me. I was seeing enough of that from my father.
I was feeling ugly enough.
This is where I allowed the enemy to mess with me.
I was confusing my lenses and not seeing clearly.
When I walked in that room prepared for battle I found a woman who thought enough of me, in spite of the fact I was hurting her feelings, to still want to reach out to me.
The ironic thing is at that point I still didn't understand what was happening. I really didn't know why I was avoiding her, it didn't make any sense to me.
She was trying to get past the emails and phone calls so we could SEE each other face to face, clear glasses, and the truth is once I saw her face I recognized her for the woman she was not the one I made up.
That was the enemies concern, he knew once we were face to face the light would shine through and the truth would be revealed.
The Holy Spirit showed me this morning I had to put my pride aside. I had to allow my coach to see a very vulnerable side of me that I tend to guard pretty well.
If guarding your pride causes dissension in God's family you become the smudge and eventually the poison.
I honestly had no idea I was in that lobster pot. It all came together and made sense.
I understood that I allowed the enemy to use my weakness to manifest a huge smudge. My coach was an innocent victim in my smudged glasses.
So to my coach, sister and friend I say I'm sorry for the smudge and thank you for pulling me out of the pot.
Gems electronics are great for quick communication but they will never replace the gift of human companionship.
This was a great reminder for me and I pray it will be for you too.
Let's not get so busy that we can't turn off the burner. Take time to shut everything off and see each other face to face, to make sure our glasses are clean and if not allow our friends to help us clean them in love.
My advice for the day, clean your glasses before you become the smudge and end up in boiling water.
No one is smudge proof.