So here we go......
The last 5 months have been pretty rough, yet amazing at the same time. How is that possible? Only by God.
It feels like the Lord has been taking out of my hand way more than He has been putting in.
Our recent conversation: Me to God:
Why me God? Are you mad at me? Did I miss something? Am I a bad friend? Am I needy? Am I crazy? Will I make it? Are you done with me here on earth? Will I ever get on the other side of this? Will I regain my passion? Will my dry bones come alive? Will I trust/like people again? Can you have peace with no vision at the same time? Am I invisible? Are you still listening?
God's answer: YES and NO
Great.....So I do what I do best, pray and pray again and pray again and
again.
I pray from the minute I open my eyes to the time I go to sleep. Is it because I'm so holy? Heck NO I pray because I'm holding onto Jesus so tight to make it through another day. I'm not just holding onto the hem of His garment I'm pretty much dragging behind it.
II'll spare you all the circumstances l but want to share two that are the most dear to my heart.
First my dear friend Alice passed away and I miss her terribly.
Alice and I attended weekly bible study together for years and for many months I had the honor of driving her. I treasured our alone time and personal moments we shared. I'll miss her wisdom and most of all her powerful prayers. Heaven is a lovelier place with Alice home.
Second, Tony and Dawn Harp. My accountability couple for the past 7 or so years. Talk about a hard job :) They definitely had their work cut out for them trying to keep me in line. Their friendship quickly became family to me and mine. Dawn has been a trustworthy, prayer warrior sister to me and I cannot tell you how much I love and respect them both. They will be moving to Hawaii and reunited with their children and grand children. As excited as I am for them I cannot imagine doing life without them just a short drive away. I am beyond thankful the Lord put these 3 people in my life and I just wanted to take a moment to honor them.
A combination of events have left me feeling a pain that has cried out from the depths of my heart.. A feeling of betrayal and abandonment from other experiences caused me to retreat from the battle line. I had to decide many mornings to fight the depression that was almost suffocating me.
I feel like I have been screaming and no one seems to hear me, no one is listening.
I had someone say to me "I feel like you had an experience with God in your past that you're trying to recreate. It's too hard to watch and I have to separate myself from you."
It's apparent there are some who are tired of waiting on God to change my circumstances, I get it, I have been walking this radical life for about 12 years and in the "waiting" I have experienced more miracles than I can count, but long suffering was part of the equation.
Perhaps if someone else's life is too hard for you to "watch" maybe your living your life too easy. Just a thought.
I try to be thankful for every event that comes my way, this comment made me evaluate my life and ask God if there was any truth in the words because Gems I don't want yesterdays bread.
It began the journey of me evaluating my own heart and separation from those who were unable to celebrate the journey God had for me. A fellow sojourner once told me, go where you're celebrated not where your tolerated.
Proverbs 16:9 A man's heart plans his course, but Yahweh directs his steps.
But the reality is I am staying with my son and daughter-in-love, their office has become my current bedroom. I have given away all of my belongings AGAIN. It has been an extremely humbling time. I have no clear plan and to be honest EVERYTHING I have pursued has not happened. I have been doing everything I can think of for the past 5 months and every open door closes as soon as I'm ready to step through.
I have applied for jobs I'm qualified for and some I'm not qualified for. I even applied for a job working at a storage unit, talk about a confidence booster. The Lord has consistently kept the employment door closed.
I do want to share one interview I went on, it was at an insurance office. They gave me a test that I had 12 minutes to complete. I just about finished when the girl walked in to pick it up. She handed it to the Broker who walked into the lobby to meet me.
Gems, she gave me the once over not once but twice! Literally she gave me the look from the top of my head to my shoes, back up and down again to make sure she didn't miss anything. I'm like Oh MY Gosh I just got a double once over. We then went into her office where she looked at my test, she turned it over and said "didn't the receptionist tell you there was another side?" I said no trying not to laugh out loud. She responded in a demeaning tone "clearly you didn't know because there's not a mark on here." I didn't have the heart to tell her it wouldn't have mattered I ran out of time on side one! I figured I would just keep that between me and Jesus who I'm sure was laughing too. Needless to say I did not get hired nor did I want the job.Then this happened. I found a great place in Palm Harbor, I fell in love with it. The owner knew I didn't have a job yet but she liked me so much and said she just knew I was supposed to move in that I could have it. She said if I needed any furniture I could have what was there, YES! She even offered to help me find a job! It was so me and as much as I have loved and appreciated all my son and his wife have done for me I was beyond excited to move back into my own place.
I spent the weekend before I signed my lease with my best friend celebrating. I felt the flame of purpose begin to be fanned! I felt like the waiting was over, I had passed the test and learned the lessons and my promotion ceremony was upon me.
All I needed was a $500 deposit in the next 24 hours. We began to pray for that and I was confident the Lord would provide as this was clearly His plan. Thank you Jesus!
I got home Sunday night from my amazing weekend and my $500 was waiting for me with 12 hours to spare, only God!
Monday morning the lease was emailed to me, yippee the wait is over. There was a small problem with the date so I shot the owner a quick text before I headed out the door to meet her. And then my phone rang.
It was her, the owner of the unit, I excitedly began to tell her I was on my way and then she said "I need to talk to you." She began to speak and I could tell she was crying. The bottom line was she would not be able to rent me the place.......
My world stood still for a minute as I listened in disbelief. HOW in the world could this be happening????? It's not even possible! God even gave me the money for the deposit. I was trying to listen to her but my head was whirling. I then did what we are supposed to do, gave comfort to a sister in need. I told her it was OK and I understood. I prayed for her and told her I would keep praying as she walked out this unplanned series of events. I tapped into the Holy Spirit to put my new sisters needs before my own but it was a hard hit to the center of my gut. I hung up and looked into the faces of my sweet family all filled with anticipation of my new home and told them it was not happening. As I climbed the stairs back up to what felt like my cell at the moment I begged the Holy Spirit for strength to not only accept the decision but find a way to praise Him for it.
God has not stopped taking care of all my needs, I shared with you all His miraculous provisions in my last jewel and that hasn't stopped. The Lord told me the next move was in the Spring which I translated April.
I felt confirmation because I called the bank for my car loan back in January to see how much I owed with any late fees and they said my loan was paid through April! I knew it was God because I was calling to pay January. All of my financial commitments have been paid each month for the past year without me having a worldly income but Gems it has been a lonely pilgrimage.
"God always provided for Elijah. Even in days of famine his needs were attended to. Thus Elijah was never dependent on the culture that surrounded him. That was a crucial dynamic. Only by standing independent of the surrounding culture was he able to be a light into it's darkness."
Jonathan Cahn
I totally understand this statement because I live it. Knowing someone else understands gives me comfort so I write this jewel hoping it gives you comfort.
My circumstances have not changed but my spiritual vision has. Over the past five months I have been so blessed to be a daily part of my three youngest grandsons lives. I have formed a bond and friendship with my daughter-in-love that I would do this all again to attain. My son Nathanael is my 3rd born and of the four children I never felt like we spent enough time together. These circumstances may be a bit extreme :) but his wisdom and advice have been so insightful, I will cherish every moment he has sown into my walk. He was also the one to begin the healing process for me and his siblings. I have had some real hard conversations with my children. It took rawness and total vulnerability and a decision not to get offended on my part. Nathanael offered me a safe place to do this life evaluation. Had I been working these moments would never have happened. God is so faithful He took care of me, His child, so I could take care of things with my children. These things needed to be addressed before I got a new address.
Some moments are challenging as you can imagine but for the most part it has been invaluable. Praising God with my grandsons is priceless.
My family and I are getting ready to go to North Carolina in a couple of weeks to celebrate Passover and that is the only thing on my agenda for now. I know God and I are right where we are supposed to be, Him in control and me praising. I'm keeping my focus on Him and looking forward to the Spring. I will leave this season better equipped to do whatever He has already planned for me. My relationships will be stronger and healthier with God and man.
Gena's Jewels has been my way of giving you a front row seat into my world so you can see how amazing God is. For you to personally know someone that God has proven His faithfulness to. It was never intended to be a burden for you or to stress you out. It has never been a plea for you to save me, I got saved the day I asked Jesus to be my Savior! I don't need your approval nor do I need to defend God. The only hand out I want is the one that comes from Heaven!
I will move forward without your hand but so desire a peice of your heart.
I wrote this jewel so you understand that walking with God means accepting all the outcomes not just the ones we like. It means trusting Him when NOTHING makes sense. It means choosing Him over relationships and housing. It means surrendering all to HIM. It means He truly does work all things out for the good of those who love Him. It means waiting on His timing.
It means it's OK if your STILL praying, He's still listening and answering. Spring is just around the corner stay your course.
His hair wild, his eyes filled with fear, his soul crushed by the loss of hope. Depression shrouded him like a thick dark cloak. This was the one, people referred to as The Prophet.
It can happen to each of us. As men and women of God, we can lose sight of the vision and callings that God has given to us. We get depressed, stumble, and even quit.
While others might leave us in despair, God doesn't
He cares for us, comforts us, strengthens us, raises us up without shame, and invites us to continue in His mission, without skipping a beat!
