Be Strong Not Hardhearted

I have had many experiences in my life that have made me strong and have also made me choose not to be hardhearted. As you know I have been married and divorced twice so the biggest challenge for me was not joining the “I hate men club.”

Here are some of my many life examples.

From the time I was 19 to present age of 51 I have moved 22 times. This does not count the many times I moved growing up and no, I have never been in the military. 7 of those moves I was married. 15 of the moves I did as a single parent. Some of the moves with 2 children and some with 4. It takes a very strong woman to do all that moving, emotionally and physically.

I remember one move I had all four kids and we were moving from Volusia County to Lake County. I had already done all the packing pretty much alone and on moving day I had a few adults show up but mostly me and the kids. I rented a 22 foot truck and my friend Linda and I went to pick it up and it had a standard transmission! I just assumed it would be an automatic and no one ever asked if I could drive a stick. My first thought was why didn't the man ask if I needed an automatic when he took the reservation?

My friend asked me with a look of fear in her eyes what we were going to do. I laughed and said “drive it baby!” It was the last truck they had, I had no choice. We laughed as I was backing this thing up and grinding gears down the highway.

On this particular move I had a piano I was giving away. The people getting it were told they would have to pick it up, as you know a piano is pretty heavy. So here we are a bunch of kids and women loading this monster truck and up pulls a group of men from the local church to pick up the piano. I got so excited because I thought for sure they would help us load a few of our heavy things too. BUT they didn't, they took the piano without even asking if we needed help and were gone. I knew they saw my sorry moving crew and could not believe they didn't even ask if we needed help. Gems there were about 10 men there to lift that piano, if they helped we could have had that truck loaded in no time at all.

It took a strong woman to finish the job and not get hard hardhearted at yet another experience of men not helping in my life.

Now my work experience.

I have worked on a hot dog truck in New York, sold clothes, insurance for State Farm and Allstate. I have worked on assembly lines for various factories and worked for Siemens. I have sold Title Insurance and worked for printing companies. I have cleaned houses and sold houses. I have been through abortion and served as a founding member of a crisis pregnancy center. I have an insurance license, a real estate license, I'm a notary and a licensed Pastor.

It takes a strong woman to hold down so many jobs and change careers like some people change outfits. It takes a strong woman not to get hard hardhearted at having to care for a family on her own emotionally, physically and financially. It takes a strong woman that knows every new job requires learning new tasks and starting at the bottom, again.

I have worked the same jobs as single men and was paid less for it because I was a woman. Even though I was a single woman raising a family. This is not a political jewel Gems it's a testimony of my heart. These things all caused me to be strong but I'm not going to lie they also began to cause a hardness in my heart toward men that I battled with often.

I was surrounded by single moms and most of them were in the I hate men club I mentioned. They would trash men pretty much any time they were speaking. I was raising 2 boys and was not going to have them listen to that kind of talk. I never wanted them to think they were some how responsible or worse yet would end up in the same category. It was a constant decision to be strong and keep my heart in check at the same time.

This of course affected my relationships with men. I had to be really tough in order to perform some of my jobs. No time for crying or dealing with sick kids or hormonal issues if you know what I mean. I wasn't in the “boys club” nor did I want to be so it always felt like a struggle. The same men that were attracted to me romantically because I was strong soon found me unattractive because I was too strong. Where was the line? I had no idea. Not that I dated much. I didn't have much free time.

This was an actual schedule I held down for moths.

I was living in Mt. Dora. I would get up at O dark thirty, get a toddler and kindergartner ready for their day and myself ready for work. I would drive my teenage daughter to school in Deltona which was a 45 min. drive. She had to be at school by 6:45 A.M. I would then drive my youngest son to his school then take my baby to the baby sitter. I would then go to work in Lake Helen which was another 20 min. drive and be there by 8:30. I was a manager of a sales floor of about 20 men and women and would sell advertising with a 90% rejection level for 8 hours.

I would then pick up each child at their designated spot. At least 3 times a week, after school and work I would spend hours on the soccer field watching my oldest daughter play with the the two younger ones in tow. They had more dinners than they should have sitting on bleachers. I then drove the 45 min. drive back to Mount Dora to begin it all again. It was dark when I left and dark when I got home. It took a strong woman to do all of this!!

Honestly Gems I look back and know it was only by the grace of God that it happened every day. I have always made a point of giving God the praise for my strength.

I was going through a second divorce, getting fired at church, a child in and out of jail, my oldest daughter moving out her senior year of high school, dealing with a horrible boss daily at my sales job and still raising 2 small children. This my Gems was a strong woman with the beginnings of an underlying hard heart!

I have always done ministry during all these times for both men and women and thought I had my hardheartedness in check. I didn't really respect men but I didn't hate them or try to kill them so I thought I was doing pretty good. But as you know, just when you think your doing good the Lord wants you to do better.

I attended a retreat a couple of years ago and had an encounter with the Lord I will never forget. If you know me at all you know I love the Lord with all my heart so it came as a surprise when the Lord told me I didn't totally love Him. I understood a little how Peter must have felt when the Lord asked him if he really loved Him.

I was like what are you talking about Lord? You have seen my life I have always tried to stay faithful to you and give you praise in the good and bad times. Why would you ask me this?

The Lord tenderly told me I couldn't love Him completely until I loved His children. All of His children, this included men.

My head began to swim for a minute, I was confused and hurt. Like I said I wasn't mean to men and I helped them as often as I could so what was the problem?

The Lord told me I may not have had a hard heart but I definitely had a wall around my heart that kept me from truly loving men. God told me I needed to forgive all of them and believe in men again. I needed to give man kind a second chance and see the best in them. To cheer them on and encourage them to be the mighty holy men of God he designed them to be.

WHY ME????? Had I not sacrificed enough? Yes I made bad decisions and was dealing with the outcome of those decisions but I had been taken advantage of so many times and lied to so many more. Why did I have to let my guard down. Did I mention I hadn't killed any of them or gone out of my way to hurt men? What's the problem here? How could I believe in men? They still weren't doing their part! Believe what?

As the Lord always does, He let's me have my tantrum and then lovingly explains things to me.

He said again “Gena, in order for you to truly love me you have to love my boys. I have always been there for you and I am sorry for what you have had to endure by the very ones I created to care for you But now is the time to truly forgive and move on.”

It may not sound very profound to you as you read this but trust me it was. I was on my face before the Lord asking Him to make my heart tender toward his boys, to help me love them the way I love my own children.

I'm not talking about romantic relationships here I'm talking about loving our brothers with the strong heart of God.

Gems I didn't realize it but there was a part of me that felt like if I totally forgave men for what I went through it some how nullified all my heart break,that I wouldn't be validated for all the things I endured. God showed me that He has seen my life from beginning to end and HE validates everything I have committed to Him. Hearing Him say this to me broke off the chains of unforgiveness. I hope that makes sense to you.

I'm not going to say it's been easy. I have to decide each time it comes us again, each time I'm let down by man I have to remember to do what my Father says. Forgive so you can be forgiven.

Mark ll:25-26 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in Heaven may forgive you your sins. 

I have not met the husband God has for me yet but I know I will one day. I also know that God has been preparing my heart so I will be able to love and respect him in a way that will honor our God. I also know he will love me like Christ loved the church, that he will be willing to die for me.

This kind of love can only come from a heart that is strong and not hard!