I Miss Funerals

 

I know that's a weird title and not something I ever thought I would say, so let me explain.

I was raised in a large Italian Catholic family from New York, so needless to say funerals were part of my culture. I grew up in a time when community still existed. My mother was one of 12 children and my grandmother one of thirteen. My uncles all owned businesses in town and the fire department was pretty much all bloodline family. It was common to stop by my uncle Franky’s shop in the early morning and see the men gathered around drinking coffee and shootin the breeze. If I was in town I would definitely run into at least 6 people I was related to.

It went without saying that all funerals were held at Robertaccio funeral home in Patchogue, no other information was needed for the family everyone knew where it was the and the agenda.

My own parents' funeral was there even though they had not been residents of New York for many  years. 

The arrangements consisted of the expected 3 days of viewing then the funeral the next day. An automatic 3 to 5 days of bereavement was given by your job with no questions asked so everyone could come together to honor the passing of a loved one and support the family.

As a kid I always found it weird that you would meet in a room with a bunch of people talking while there was a dead body in a box in the front of the room. No one around me seemed to find it strange so I kept my thoughts to myself. I would watch as the people would go to the casket, if it were open some would caress or kiss the person, the prayer bench  was there for those who wanted to say a prayer, then there were those like me who stood a few feet away to pay our respects and the final group who didn't go near the dead person for whatever their issues were with death. 

 

The room would be full of conversations of memories of the person who had passed, some from family and friends, stories you had heard a thousand times then the new ones from individuals you were just meeting who brought yet another side of the person you thought you knew everything about. It was common for family to randomly take your hand and give it a little squeeze or kiss on your face where a tear just laid. It was chaotic and endearing at the same time.

The burial was next and then the festivities really began. The entourage would meet at a family members home or if the group was too big at the fire department. Catering was unheard of as Grandma Sophie, Aunt Tessie and too many names to list showed up with hot meals they prepared themselves. Recipes that could never be recreated to taste the same as grandma's.

There were enough desserts to open a bakery and love and laughter would fill the room along with the tears and sorrow. They were family reunions where we reminded each other that we still mattered. If there were disputes they were laid aside. Let bygones be bygones was the sentiment.

So much has changed in such a short time. Now because families are spread so far apart and funerals are such an expense the custom has been altered drastically. Most people you do life with now have never even met your extended family.

I recently  attended a funeral and experienced some of the memories I had as a child. I noticed a man across the room sitting alone, a long time friend of the one who passed, he was  crying inconsolably and it was obvious he was there by himself. I walked over and placed my hand on his back, he didn’t look up but I could tell he was comforted by the touch. It was a moving moment of grief sharing that can’t be explained. Human touch will  never be replaced, I think it’s why Yeshua (Jesus) made it a point of touching everyone including  lepers.

My youngest brother died a week ago. Along with the normal feelings of grief, a new sting of death has pricked my heart. It’s the unfamiliar process I am grieving in. As I shared, family is so spread out and friends don’t have a relationship with your loved one so the reaching out is almost nonexistent. I had 2 dear friends stop by for a much needed hug with flowers and a much needed meal but other than that I have been on my own. When my family who is nearby call I can’t bring myself to answer the phone. What should bring comfort  instead brings a feeling of hollowness.

I realized they have no idea how losing a loved one, and not having family physically with me has impacted my emotions. I long for a hug! They have not grown up with my "normal" so they respond with theirs.

I took off from work the day I got the call, I work from home so that helps, but the next day it was back on the phone like nothing happened. Life goes on theory. There's no bereavement time so I  take breaks and just lay on the floor and cry to Yeshua then pull myself together and get back on the phone.

I have had this feeling of abandonment and loneliness that has been as difficult as dealing with my  loss. Perhaps some of you can relate to what I'm sharing.

I have felt anger instead of any kind of comfort and I ask the Holy Spirit each day “what’s wrong with me?”

And then it came to me.... As I laid in bed at O Dark Thirty this morning, the answer came to me

“I MISS FUNERALS …..”