Burning Ship

A friend came to visit me recently and as we were catching up, she shared she was going to a church that we worshiped at together many years ago. She was updating me on mutual friends who were still there and then she said something that has been an ongoing struggle in my life.

She said, when people ask her, "what is Gena up to?" she then looked at me and said, “trying to answer that is always tricky, saying you are waiting on God is never an acceptable answer.”

A few days later I was at an event and ran into a woman who used to attend one of my bible studies. We too were catching up and the same question arose “what have you been doing?” Again, always tricky to answer, so I give a few cliff notes about my life to which she responds “you should be missionary” I replied, “I am” and went on my way.

Gems, telling you God stories and giving testimonies of the miracles God has done in my life is the easy part. Bragging on the goodness of God is simple, people want to hear the supernatural stories, it’s silent times they have trouble with. It's here, waiting on God some how is not an acceptable answer.

                             

Ironically when I’m working for the world and life is “easier” as far as pulling into a gas station and putting fuel in my car just because I can or buying groceries or a  shirt I like that’s on sale that I feel the furthest away from God.

I long for times of “normal” then beg Him for more intimacy. As I shared in my last jewel, I was working with Beverly Bakalyar for about 6 weeks and truly thought the job would last at least 6 months. The Lord gave me a sweet apartment and although all my bills were being paid it was nice not to have to wait til the 9^th hour for that to happen. 

I was enjoying simple things like setting up my new home. I was moved in, had a bit of a “normal” routine and while enjoying my days with a sweet group of women I was also receiving a paycheck!  

Close to the end of the 6 week mark I began to feel the familiar stirring in my Spirit that my time was coming to an end with faux painting. Not gonna lie a bit of dread came upon me.

I knew this wasn’t the end all job for me, as much as I appreciated the opportunity, I know it’s not my calling. However, jumping back into the unknown so soon was a bit of a surprise.

God, ⁹ who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began

I’m going to be real honest here, I was angry. You see my sister Mindy was coming to visit me from New York in a few weeks and I had such great plans for us. My sister ALWAYS blesses me. She is so generous to me and my children and for the first time in a VERY LONG time I was in a financial place to spoil the heck out of her. I couldn’t wait! I was going to buy her gifts she didn’t need, take her out to eat, plan day trips whatever she wanted, I wasn’t going to let her pay for a thing. 

But as the days drew closer so did the looming realization that my employment would end before my visionary plan.

WHY GOD? Why won’t you let me have this just one time!!!

A flood of questions once again filled my mind, where are we going, when will we get there, how long is the layover, can I keep my stuff, where should I look, how do I explain????

Sure enough the job ended, my sister came, we still had a sweet time without all my grand plans and days turned into weeks. I did a few jobs on the side, had the privilege of doing some counseling and gave a word at a local church but still no clear destination.

I have some powerful prayer warriors in my life and the word from all of them was, the Lord said clearly “Gena, Gena, Gena WAIT” not like wait your turn but WAIT!! Like don’t step off the curb or you will be hit by a truck kind of wait.

A part of me just wants to scream at the message and slap the messenger (no offense messenger.)

Trust me in the flesh I’m awesome 😊 I’m a great sales person, I have phenomenal outcome with difficult customer service, I’m efficient to a fault and apparently I can paint and do home improvements. My qualifications are endless, I wouldn’t believe my resume if I didn’t know me, but it all means nothing if I’m not following the word in 2^nd Timothy.

I like you have a holy calling for God’s own purpose which He gave me in Christ before time began. No matter the circumstances, disappointment, long suffering or being misunderstood I refuse to move without the fire before me.

My daughter Amanda told me she heard in a sermon if you hear God calling you by name, like when Jesus called Zacchaeus, it means He is personally inviting you into something He is getting ready to do. A few days later my sweet son-in-love Claver gave me a Spirit filled word, he said the Lord is getting ready to use you in a supernatural way.

Gems, it’s hard to hear those words when you are in need of the supernatural in your own life!

In the waiting I have sweet time with the Lord in prayer and worship, I have time to devour the word, I can write a jewel not knowing if it will help anyone, but it appears to be good therapy. Other than having to use a dinosaur computer that takes 3x as long to work as a new one I’m blessed to share my words.

I have to be intentional about waking up with a purpose and thanking God for another opportunity to be in His presence and make myself ready for my marching orders.

I will to do it pushing back negative thoughts or giving into depression. I will to do it choosing not to be offended with outside comments on how much better my life could be or how I wasted such talent and opportunity. I will do it in isolation or surrounded by men. I will do it because there is no other option.

In 1519 Cortes set sail for battle to Mexico with his crew. When he got there Cortes men understandably became weary and scared wishing they could go back home to their old life. Legend has it Cortez had the men burn their ships leaving no option but to press on! The option of retreat or comfort of a safety net was removed.

This move forced them to not only complete the mission, it allowed them to become something greater than themselves.

I want to be part of something bigger than myself, don't you?

I guess the best answer to the looming question is this, If you want to know what I'm up to just look for the fire.